Monday, December 5, 2011

A Dolphin Tale (2011)

The dolphin got caught in a rope and his tail came off. They gave him a new one and he freaked out.  They gave him another one and he freaked out.  They gave him another one and it worked.  That's it.

- Guest Blogger Tanner, Age 3 1/2

Tanner, Age 3 1/2

Monday, November 7, 2011

WildCats (1986)


raena: man you know what else is a FANTASTIC movie?
             Wild Cats
             with goldie hawn?
             holy shit
mykel: eh?
             i don't know that one
raena: i didn't know of it either
             but jesse had me watch it like a year ago
mykel: i only remember her in Overboard
raena: it is seriously LEGIT
mykel: haha wow
raena: it also has a really young woody harrelson and wesley snipes in it
mykel: dang
raena: goldie hawn takes on coaching a high school football team in chicago
raena: like "the worst team ever"
             and she totally turns it out
mykel: i know that one, but i never saw it
             yeah, like a female football bad news bears
raena: omg it is so funny. it has so many little gems.
             the girl from teen witch is her daughter in it
             it's so great hahahaha
mykel: hahaha
raena: she's all calling the team pussies and shit
mykel: i'ma hafta czech it
             hahhaahahahaha YES
raena: and the player is like "FUCK YOU!"
             and she's all "'fuck you, WHO????"
             "FUCK YOU . . COACH!"
             so great
             yeah you gotta get that one
             there is also a really weird song during the ending credits
             kinda superbowl shuffle style
             ok i'll stop
             i should review this movie
             i should just copy and paste this conversation as the review
mykel: hahaha
             do that

Zapped! (1982)

This is one film I was never permitted to watch when I was younger, because it is a teen sex comedy, and I was only 5 years old when it came out.  That didn't prevent me from seeing snippets and clips here and there throughout my young life, but an entire screening always eluded me, much in the same way that Porky's and Meatballs seemed to.

Well, usher in a new era ov technology, and we have Netflix bringing this "lost" classic right into my livingroom.  What we have here is a simple tale ov a young scientific mind bursting with innovative ideas, portrayed to a magnificent tee by a very young Scott Baio, who is being counseled by many different sources on how to bring his research and his manhood into fruition:  his prune-juice-guzzling parents, his whiskey-guzzling coach (played by the lovable Scatman Crothers!!!!), and his well-to-do, vagina-guzzling bestie, who was cast in a stroke ov pure fate to be played by none other than Willie Aames.  (We'll get into this significance in moment...)

It starts out simply enough:  Mr. Baio is creating botanical formulas to help the principal's prize orchids win something like a prize or something, I don't think it's important, but what IS important is that his buddy has convinced him to grow some super high grade marijuana behind them as well, thus insuring their livelihood.  I don't wanna be a spoiler, but let's just say some monkeying around in the lab by a certain trusted associate proves to be a stroke ov dangerous luck, because an explosion in the lab causes a curious change in our protagonist....

Namely, the power ov TELEKINESIS!!!  That's right folks, he can move things with his mind.  And what does the mind ov a horny teenage man want to move?  You guessed it:  Boobies.  So there's some ov that, and his rich-boy buddy talks him into all kinda stuff, and there's really awesome old school special effects where stuff actually moves and does weird stuff and it's not done by a computer, etc. etc. etc.

But really what happens in this movie is more important than the plot, the screenplay, the hilarious and titillating climax/conclusion, the laughs, or the boobies.  What happens is that smoldering onscreen chemistry is achieved, and while the box office profits and movie reviews ov the time might not have shown it's proof, Hollywood was not blind to the larger truth.  Scott Baio and Willie Aames were MAG-NET-ICK - every dude wanted to be them and have that buddy, and every girl wanted to give them hickeys on their dickies.  So Hollywood did the only thing it could do:  create the best sitcom in the history ov television.


Man, the laughs just did not STOP on that show.  I myself prefer the second incarnation, when the show went syndicated, and the Pembroke family was replaced by the Powell family, which featured my then-total-crush Nicole Eggert (who I have found out, by way ov my son's insistence that we watch The Super Mario Brothers cartoon, she guest starred on the aforementioned video game show in the live action segments preceding the cartoons, where she would banter about with two grown men dressed as Mario and Luigi), which was basically the reason I would watch that show anyways.  I mean, besides the smoldering onscreen chemistry ov Scott Baio and Willie Aames.  Amen.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Amadeus (1984)

Amadeus (1984)

Hey, are there loosely-based-on-real-life things that you always wanted to know about famed composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart?
Then this movie is for YOU (points at you). 

Have you ever wondered about his unconventional and, at times, downright silly hijinks, sexual exploits, or how he managed to put on a production of the scandalized Le Nozze di Figaro RIGHT UNDER the noses of the Viennese bourgeoisie???? HAHAHAHA!!!!!
Then this movie is for YOU (points at you). 

Did you want to learn about his completely eff'd up relationship with his father and his descent into madness/drunkness/some-kind-of-consumption-whilst-still-being-a-freaking-enigmatic-requiem-composing-super-genius?
Then . . you guessed it . . this movie is for YOU (points at you). 

There is really no wondering why this film was nominated for a whopping FIFTY-THREE awards (and won 40!!!!). It even appeals to children! Well, at least, to the childhoods of the two acclaimed authors of this here blog. I don't know how many times we sequestered ourselves in the "basement" of our Nana's house, eyes glued to her primordial big screen TV (the ones that required 7 very fit men to move from one location to another?), huge cans of Tab soda in our tiny hands, clearly mesmerized by the dynamic tale this period drama unfolds.  To this day, I can usually identify a Mozart piece. I'm a regular sophisticado!  Cultural diversity!

Dude, wait. You haven't seen the extended "Director's Cut" version? I have it on DVD, come over. There is this weird scene where Wolfie's wife, Constanze, shows up at Salieri's chambers and totally offers her bare-breasted body to him in exchange for work for her spendthrift spouse!!  WHAT??? I KNOW.  That girl so scandalous. Thong-th-thong-thong-thong.

If you haven't already started downloading/queuing up Amadeus solely based on this post, then DO IT NOW. If you need further stimuli, I'm just going to say these words:
  • "Capezzoli di Venerein" or "Nipples of Venus"
  • Masquerade party
  • Don Giovanni
  • Jeffrey Jones as Emperor Joseph II ("Well . . There i'tis!")


Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Titanic (1997)

This sleeper hit period-piece was the surprise underdog favorite at the Cannes Film Festival in 1997, and if you've ever seen it, you know why. A well-spun tale ov triumph and tragedy, although not necessarily in that order!

The main character (the protagonist, if you will) is a royal Prince, and also the son ov a King. His life is very posh and luxurious, and every whim and need is laid bare before him for his enjoyment. Having spent his entire life this way, when it came time for him to marry, the idea ov his pre-arranged (and no doubt potentially wonderful) marriage begins to chide at his sense ov male pride. This results in him getting cold feet during his elaborate wedding ceremony after meeting his queen-to-be, and then convincing his father (the King) to allow him to go to America, under the pretense ov "sowing his wild oats", before marriage. But in secret reality, he hopes to find a bride that he loves and deems worthy by his own standards.

He wishes to remain anonymous in his adventure for love, so he assumes the character ov a common poor person, and stows away on a HUGE boat that is headed directly for America. Upon this titan ov a ship, he meets people from all walks ov life, has many hilarious and heartwarming encounters (not least ov all with the woman who is to be the love ov his life), and learns valuable lessons about what it's really like to be a poor person living without the ample means that royalty brings (even going to far as to take a menial job in the food service industry).

I don't wanna be a spoiler, but I can tell you that there's a really hot scene where the Prince gets to draw a picture ov this lady's boobs (which is like an old-school version ov sending someone a nudie pic on your iPhone), and also that they live happily ever after.

Frankenhooker (1990)

Okay, so I realize it's a little bit weird to review 1. not only my favorite movie, but 2. one ov the best movies ov ALL TIME. But, I validate this by assuming most people (like you, with impeccable taste) haven't seen this classic piece o' cinematography just yet. That's okay, it will wait (patiently) for you.

To summarize the plot, a scientist-type guy has this party where he's showing off his new remote-controlled lawnmower... Well, the party turns tragic and the love ov his life, his lovely wife, gets shredded like so many chickens at Tacos Al Carbon. Being the intrepid scientist that he is, he manages to save the head in a freezer with hopes ov one day finding a replacement body to reanimate his beloved with. Awwwwwwwwwwww.

But where does one find a body? Especially one that no one will be like, "Hey, where'd that body go?" about. Without giving away too much, he uses his science brain to come up with a plan and a formula for crack cocaine that is fatal when smoked, to be smoked by a prostitute who would then die and unwillingly donate her body to "science". 2 problems: the poison crack was so powerful it makes the smoker EXPLODE, and how does one narrow down which prostitute's body one wishes to bestow upon one's most beloved decapitated corpse? Well, as you can imagine, the answer to these conundrums delivers plenty hilarity and more, and results in one ov the best lines in cinema history, when the broker ov said prostitutes comes to the place where they were being "evaluated" and says very tenderly:


I shan't give away anymore, save to say that the odyssey is worth joining for the heartwarming conclusion, and naturally, all the laughs along the way. Highest recommendations.

Outbreak (1995)

Outbreak (1995)

"OH MAH GOD! PEOPLE ARE DY-YING! WE WILL BOMB AND KILL INNOCENT PEOPLE UNTIL THEY ARE DEAD UNLESS SOME HERO GETS HERE QUICKLY!" is what this is about. And Dustin Hoffman is all up in a hazmat suit like "Hey! Look at me! I'm in a hazmat suit and I am going to science you!" and the Morgan Freeman is there to (not narrate) blow your mind, like "I'm a bad guy! Then ultimately a good guy! Because I'm Morgan Freeman!"

Soooooo THEN there's this little girl, right, and she befriends a damn fool monkey and draws pictures of it and has tea parties with it and is then used as a tool to bring that airborn-disease-causing-primate down and everybody is like "YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! No bombs are dropping today!". Sinister.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Boys On The Side (1995)

So, this is a movie about these chicks and they're all like, y'know, kinda like being all like "Nevermind!" about like boys or whatever,
because it's like HelllloOOOO???!!! Girls have more fun. One o' them girls used to start fires... WITH HER MIND.
One o' them wanted to go to California. And then another one. And then yet another one. So then they're all like, "Okay, BYE NICCAAAAAA!", and they do all this stuff (like crying) and then it's all like THE END.