Amadeus (1984)

Hey, are there loosely-based-on-real-life things that you always wanted to know about famed composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart?
Then this movie is for YOU (points at you). 

Have you ever wondered about his unconventional and, at times, downright silly hijinks, sexual exploits, or how he managed to put on a production of the scandalized Le Nozze di Figaro RIGHT UNDER the noses of the Viennese bourgeoisie???? HAHAHAHA!!!!!

Then this movie is for YOU (points at you). 

Did you want to learn about his completely eff'd up relationship with his father and his descent into madness/drunkness/some-kind-of-consumption-whilst-still-being-a-freaking-enigmatic-requiem-composing-super-genius?

Then . . you guessed it . . this movie is for YOU (points at you). 

There is really no wondering why this film was nominated for a whopping FIFTY-THREE awards (and won 40!!!!). It even appeals to children! Well, at least, to the childhoods of the two acclaimed authors of this here blog. I don't know how many times we sequestered ourselves in the "basement" of our Nana's house, eyes glued to her primordial big screen TV (the ones that required 7 very fit men to move from one location to another?), huge cans of Tab soda in our tiny hands, clearly mesmerized by the dynamic tale this period drama unfolds.  To this day, I can usually identify a Mozart piece. I'm a regular sophisticado!  Cultural diversity!


Dude, wait. You haven't seen the extended "Director's Cut" version? I have it on DVD, come over. There is this weird scene where Wolfie's wife, Constanze, shows up at Salieri's chambers and totally offers her bare-breasted body to him in exchange for work for her spendthrift spouse!!  WHAT??? I KNOW.  That girl so scandalous. Thong-th-thong-thong-thong.

If you haven't already started downloading/queuing up Amadeus solely based on this post, then DO IT NOW. If you need further stimuli, I'm just going to say these words:

• "Capezzoli di Venerein" or "Nipples of Venus"
• Masquerade party
• Don Giovanni
• Jeffrey Jones as Emperor Joseph II ("Well . . There i'tis!")

Dunzo.

Titanic (1997)

This sleeper hit period-piece was the surprise underdog favorite at the Cannes Film Festival in 1997, and if you've ever seen it, you know why. A well-spun tale ov triumph and tragedy, although not necessarily in that order!

The main character (the protagonist, if you will) is a royal Prince, and also the son ov a King. His life is very posh and luxurious, and every whim and need is laid bare before him for his enjoyment. Having spent his entire life this way, when it came time for him to marry, the idea ov his pre-arranged (and no doubt potentially wonderful) marriage begins to chide at his sense ov male pride. This results in him getting cold feet during his elaborate wedding ceremony after meeting his queen-to-be, and then convincing his father (the King) to allow him to go to America, under the pretense ov "sowing his wild oats", before marriage. But in secret reality, he hopes to find a bride that he loves and deems worthy by his own standards.

He wishes to remain anonymous in his adventure for love, so he assumes the character ov a common poor person, and stows away on a HUGE boat that is headed directly for America. Upon this titan ov a ship, he meets people from all walks ov life, has many hilarious and heartwarming encounters (not least ov all with the woman who is to be the love ov his life), and learns valuable lessons about what it's really like to be a poor person living without the ample means that royalty brings (even going to far as to take a menial job in the food service industry).

I don't wanna be a spoiler, but I can tell you that there's a really hot scene where the Prince gets to draw a picture ov this lady's boobs (which is like an old-school version ov sending someone a nudie pic on your iPhone), and also that they live happily ever after.

Frankenhooker (1990)

Okay, so I realize it's a little bit weird to review 1. not only my favorite movie, but 2. one ov the best movies ov ALL TIME. But, I validate this by assuming most people (like you, with impeccable taste) haven't seen this classic piece o' cinematography just yet. That's okay, it will wait (patiently) for you.

To summarize the plot, a scientist-type guy has this party where he's showing off his new remote-controlled lawnmower... Well, the party turns tragic and the love ov his life, his lovely wife, gets shredded like so many chickens at Tacos Al Carbon. Being the intrepid scientist that he is, he manages to save the head in a freezer with hopes ov one day finding a replacement body to reanimate his beloved with. Awwwwwwwwwwww.

But where does one find a body? Especially one that no one will be like, "Hey, where'd that body go?" about. Without giving away too much, he uses his science brain to come up with a plan and a formula for crack cocaine that is fatal when smoked, to be smoked by a prostitute who would then die and unwillingly donate her body to "science". 2 problems: the poison crack was so powerful it makes the smoker EXPLODE, and how does one narrow down which prostitute's body one wishes to bestow upon one's most beloved decapitated corpse? Well, as you can imagine, the answer to these conundrums delivers plenty hilarity and more, and results in one ov the best lines in cinema history, when the broker ov said prostitutes comes to the place where they were being "evaluated" and says very tenderly:

"I HAVE COME FOR MY BITCHES."

I shan't give away anymore, save to say that the odyssey is worth joining for the heartwarming conclusion, and naturally, all the laughs along the way. Highest recommendations.

Outbreak (1995)

"OH MAH GOD! PEOPLE ARE DY-YING! WE WILL BOMB AND KILL INNOCENT PEOPLE UNTIL THEY ARE DEAD UNLESS SOME HERO GETS HERE QUICKLY!" is what this is about. And Dustin Hoffman is all up in a hazmat suit like "Hey! Look at me! I'm in a hazmat suit and I am going to science you!" and the Morgan Freeman is there to (not narrate) blow your mind, like "I'm a bad guy! Then ultimately a good guy! Because I'm Morgan Freeman!"

Soooooo THEN there's this little girl, right, and she befriends a damn fool monkey and draws pictures of it and has tea parties with it and is then used as a tool to bring that airborn-disease-causing-primate down and everybody is like "YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! No bombs are dropping today!". Sinister.

Boys On The Side (1995)

So, this is a movie about these chicks and they're all like, y'know, kinda like being all like "Nevermind!" about like boys or whatever,

because it's like HelllloOOOO???!!! Girls have more fun. One o' them girls used to start fires... WITH HER MIND.

One o' them wanted to go to California. And then another one. And then yet another one. So then they're all like, "Okay, BYE NICCAAAAAA!", and they do all this stuff (like crying) and then it's all like THE END.